30 August 2012

Andrew Strauss: Bat Out Of Hell...

... back into hell.

Some of you may have read on Facebook* about my special affection for the Straussifer, now former captain of the England Test team.

Wherever his shark grin popped out of the dust cloud, a team I like was either having a bloody tough time, or got smashed to pieces from day 1 to day 3 (day 5 if lucky).

Therefore Andrew Strauss' genuine, hell-baked maliciousness played a major, if not deciding role in me falling in love with cricket. Yes that makes sense. Read:

Had that sulphur-driven ambassador of the demon realm not pulled off the dirtiest, most infuriating tricks at the end of Cardiff, I doubt I'd have given cricket another go, I wouldn't be running this blog and not be talking to any of you guys, that's the bitter truth.

But the Strausslord kept me raging. For weeks, for months. Punter tried hard as well, but it's just not the same. The hellshark needs to be hunted down by a bunch of real men. Whilst the odd-looking deep sea creature... looks odd.

Since that nervewrecking first Ashes Test in 2009** Strauss has inflicted hurt after hurt on Australia. Long is the list of Australian players who still can't walk properly after their public whippings, burnings and impalement at the hands of the dark blue lord. Johnson, Bollinger, Harris, Hilfenhaus, Doherty, Beer; Strauss munched bowlers like cereal. On top of that, being Nathan Hauritz' bunny, he even closed his blood-dripping claws around the throats of the Australian selection committee and achieved the Hauritzer's removal from the face of the earth.

Furthermore he battled out an utterly irritating draw in South Africa, which took Friedel de Wet away from us forever (yes, I blame Strauss; no, I won't forgive him).

He absolutely humiliated India including brave warhorses like Praveen Kumar or Rahul Dravid, and ended the Test careers of Abhinav Mukund and Sreesanth, by which he drove the final nail into the coffin of my anti-Indian bandwagon. That's probably the most precious laurel amongst all of his bloodstained trophies: making me feel terribly sorry for India. However, he thus hastened the departure of Harbhajan and the appearance of a certain Umesh Yadav. Yes, the Straussatan is also the tempter in the desert.

OK, he sucked both buttocks at ODIs most of the time, and Pakistan rewarded England royally for bombing the country's pace attack, their confidence and their sad rest of reputation back to the Stone Age, but he had to give us a break every now and then, he knew that you've got to offer a tiny Achilles' heel to you hunters in order to keep them going. A master he was of that wicked game!

Ah look, Straussy, I know you had to dig deep. But thereupon you played eksepshnally well. How much I wished you to return to your brimstone dominion. And now that you've left and only your stench is still lingering in the air I can't believe that you're gone. Farewell, nightmare, and thank you for the memories. We're left hoping to spot your bristly hooves in our dreams.


* account required

** in which Hauritz bowled better than Swann, in fact he took 32% of all English wickets taken, while Swann took exactly 0% of the Aus ones. Hell, even Monty bowled better than Swann. Arghhhhh I'll still be ranting about this match on my death bed!!!

Oops, Biff did it again... :D