10 August 2011

India Are Still Pissing Me Off

I am writing this after day 1 of a certain Edgbaston Test, and in a state of utter crabbiness and mental disarray. Although my brain is temporarily being inhabited by a little curry-munching caterpillar, at least for the duration of this tour, hence this solitary supportive post, India wouldn't be India if they didn't manage to annoy the indigestibles out of me on every thinkable and unthinkable occasion.

Well obviously and doubtlessly India are getting pommed because Harbhajan was as useful as a third nipple. On a very interesting side note, Harbhajan's bowling began to suck right when he stopped irritating me. Or am I confusing cause and effect here? Sanjay Manjrekar  on the other hand offers the expert opinion that Harbhajan couldn't take any wickets because he isn't Shane Warne. Duh.

What is Ojha doing in the squad? Dancing naked on the rooftop and shaking his vegetables? Cause I ain't seeing him play!

How useless has Sachin been so far?!?

I think I like Sreesanth. No, really... I. Like. Sreesanth. *chucks self off a skyscraper in slow-motion with a dynamite stick in the pants whose fuse is burning down in slow motion, too*

The Indian fans are still a bunch of nutty lousewits, abusing Praveen of all people; him, who has been the only player besides Dravid and in parts Ishant and Sreesanth, who actually pulls the socks up (in his case the socks were probably fuming considering how many overs he bowled because of the shoddy performance of *odders*)! Oh yeah and swatting Swann with his mighty, mighty Swannswatter has endeared him to me all the more :)

Speaking of Ishant, my favourite long-haired giraffe has accidentally run into unfriendly talks with an ill-tempered lawnmower. On the smack list with him! Yes I am superficial like that.

Thank God the man with the greatest name in the history of Indian cricket, Gautam Gambhir (pronounce it with a strongly exaggerated Apu accent), is back in the side. You go Gauti!!! Until you stumble on 38, that is...

Saviourwag out for a Golden! Can't believe they've dropped my latest pet Mukund for that!!!

And St. Doughknee is finally in the runs, alas, it looks like a lost cause already. Unless a miracle happens, like a Laxman 500 or Ishant taking 10 before lunch tomorrow, India are fooked, their No. 1 spot is fooked, and worst of all, England will be the new kings of Test cricket.

Excuse me while I seek the loo.

8 August 2011

Zimbabwe - A Muffin Recipe

Zimbabwe v Bangladesh, Only Test

Majestic. Good, thrilling and entertaining Test cricket. Attitude, style and a very happy end.

If Zimbabwe's return to Test cricket was muffins the recipe would look as follows:

1 captain's knock
2 effective newbie bowlers
2 useful opening batsmen
1 special Hammy ton
8 wickets for Mpofu and Elton
opposition that gets punished for mouthing off
epic reward for a very aggressive declaration

Mix all of the ingredients except for the last two in a large bowl with a green tinge on the bottom. Line a muffin pan with eleven red wrappers, transfer the batters into the pan. Bake at medium heat for five days or until a stump comes out clean. Immediately glaze with the reward and generously sprinkle with the punishment. 

Serve warm and enjoy.

Way to go, Zimbies :)