28 February 2010

Stop! - Timmy time.


Timmy 1:

Eventually all of my campaigns come to fruition. Tim Southee got included  for the unlucky Tuffster and boy he heeded the call. When he was bowling the 17th over I completely lost it. Leeesque precision and nerves likes ropes. Cherry on top of the cream: he received the responsibility to keep Oz from scoring in the super over, delivered another outstanding performance and won NZ the match. Hopefully this on-and-off selection policy will come to an end and he gets called up more regularily now.

Taito on the other hand crumbled under the pressure and his mitching about was a bit hard to watch. IMHO Clarke had suffered a total brain lapse, any other bowler would have been more suitable for the job.  My pick would have been Watson, alas, he wasn't playing, I think coughcoughharriscoughcough has nerves so he would have had to do the job for me. Dussey lookin good, too.

However, the Kiwis won because they were in possession of Brendon Whattheheckwasthat McCullum. The man with the most vomit-inducing tattoo ever did not only step up and fulfill my prophecies but he slayed.  Retarded monkey laughter over here when he played his mindboggling scoop shots. He so deserved to break Chris Gayle's record, life is not fair. My respect for the little man has been growing continually but it's been a while since he was able to pull off a match-deciding knock. I'd be utterly thankful if the one New Zealander who reads this blog could enlighten me on the question why McC wasn't keeping? Hopkins was okay but the game clearly missed the rippers.

Another thing: I hereby call for UDRS in all formats. The assumption that umps only fred things up in tests does not appear logical to me and is, obviously, wrong.

Timmy 2:

T-Paine kicked some Vic butt and won the FR Cup nearly single-handed. The Vics have now lost the FRC final four times in a row, incl. three home defeats. I loled.



27 February 2010

Yes Sir, I can doosra!


Little Bangladeshi girl shows Stuart Broad her doosra.

More pics of future Deshi national players
and happy English honeycakehorses
on their mission against hunger can be viewed

You can also take a look at this gallery,
which explains some of the main goals of the 
World Food Programme in Bangladesh.


Where were Colly and the rest of the English noses?
He and other players visited the 
Acid Survivers Foundation in Dhaka.

 Click to enlarge


And for a minute the bloody Poms 
appear a little less bloody than usual ;)
The more I am angry at Strauss for pulling out.


26 February 2010

Kiwis on the grill

Hmmm now that was a nice little barbie accident the Aussies made of this match, scorched bits of meat scattered all over the lawn when the NZish backyard exploded. My hope was that after the dreary Aussie summer the NZers would put up something like a fight. So I am a little bit disappointed now by their batting performance. Mitch back on fire, Nannes playing instead of Harris and Taito chipping in with two scalps as well as Watson. What else do you want? Better luck next time @Chris. I stand corrected on my assumption that Ritz could play a role in this match. I still think it will all look a little different in the tests although my confidence is slowly eroding.

No Bond, no glory.

25 February 2010

New Zealand getting played by Redbacks (and the whole minor rest)

Jaaa! Jawollllll!

Only a few hours to go, it's finally starting! The Australian selection allows for some very interesting combinations! It's true, I can't stand Harris but what about Harris-Nannes-Tait?  ^^ Cricinfo suspects Mitch-Nannes-Tait-Chris-Smithkid. I say boring. Let's try the above.

It will be a great experience for the little ones, too. Smithy and Chris should take some info from it. But it won't be that easy for Smith to pull off his rippers at the boundary; while Watson and Warner will be rubbing their hands. And probably also their feet.

So Nathan Hauritz got kicked out of the T20 squad again? I am not up to date.

The real Hussey received the call and I would love to see him, it's unlikely, but my humble self watches cricket for the sake of entertainment, and Muss does belong into the showman category as of late. Better than Yawn Marsh anyway. So as you can see this is already exciting me muchly before the first ball has been bowled.

On the NZ side the suspicion is going about that Timmy gets dropped, understandable, you wouldn't think of going in without The Bond or Tuff. Hope to see him back in the Tests.

The interesting thing is that NZ are stuffed with people who will have to play an allrounder sort of role, Vettori, Guptill, Oram. Vettori may count as a bowler but as usual they will need him to bat for his life. The other guys I expect to score significantly are Taylor of course, Guptill as well as McCullum, and Tuffey will not go down without a fight. Can't say anything about the openers, Ingram has started off well, but they will have to withstand Australia's superduperquicks. Difficult. Hopkins is a blank page to me, Oram seems a bit off the track at the moment (says the grapevine), but obviously he appears a lot more useful and experienced than Southee, especially batting-wise.

Australia on the other hand fields some faux allrounders... I do not really see the batting genius in Smithkid yet, and Clarke's bowling went a bit into the pants the last time, as we say over here. So Oz does basically consist of specialists, but those bees will sting painfully, while NZ really need their bowlers to be able to hold a bat.

But what do I know about cricket.

Okay, so


Preview 2:  ((( Kiwis have round butts )))
Preview 1:  Hooray we're going to NZ!

Hauritz is actually in the squad and now I am not so sure anymore about Smithkid. Hauritz is way more experienced and battle-hardened, and he knows the NZers, but maybe the selectors rate Smith's legspin higher, but I can't imagine. Ritz can bat, not sure if Stevie is able to deliver under such pressure. But I know nothing.

24 February 2010

Why Sachin is the Satan of batting


As if his figures didn't smell sulphury enough, he also ruthlessly exerts mind control over his admirers, by which he is able to gather legions of compliant and dedicated z..., pardon, followers, who are multiplying quickly in order to take over the world.

The One Master holds the remote control in his brawny hands, he inhabits the thoughts at day and night.

Omniscient as he is, he knows exactly at which frequency to feed his worshippers new tri..., pardon, batting miracles in order to keep them on their knees.

How long will I still be able to resist his overwhelming powers? When will he decide that he's had enough and come and get me?

I pray to God for the strength to withstand the tempter.

more on this topic:

Why Harbh is the Satan of spin bowling

sry Purna for shamelessly plundering your blogroll, it's for a good cause :P

Sachin Tendulkar double century against South Africa! Sachin your are the greatest! We love you Sachin!

Sachin Tendulkar double century double hundred double ton record 200 ODI India South Africa cricket Gwalior Virender Sehwag Sreesanth MS Dhoni Hitler IPL free porn Brett Lee

I only made this post to get hits.

22 February 2010

((( Kiwis have round butts )))

So I've heard people moaning about the NZ tour but what's the gloom-mongering about?

Watching the last twitches of the Deshis on these beautiful evergreen school grounds was comparable to a session of autogenic training; how clear, refreshed and calm your mind feels after such a match; your soul is filled with peace and grave tranquility. And should both the cricket and the grounds really be shit, which I dare doubt, there'll still be so much to watch and to listen to. Some things obligatory during every tour of NZ:

Commentators that make your toe nails corrugate. Three kiwis giggling, gaggling and chuckling away while trying to outdo each other at kiwiness is Test cricket for your sanity. Pondering the sickened slip, admiring the outside itch and praising the bowler for taking tin wickets will make your brain rotate inside your head. And when Kyle Mills, God bless him, starts to rave about putting the ball into the right eareas then you truly wish for balls in your eareas.

After you have stuffed your head with tissues in order to stop it from bleeding to death you might feel a bit hungry, a Test match is long. So you are going to make a really nommible snack and right when you are back and about to scoff it the camera zooms on a random person that spontaneously starts to puke his guts out. Your immediate reaction, namely putting said snack back on the plate, is followed by naughty knowing chuckles from the comment box. It happened to me twice during consecutive tours, and all good things come in threes, so be prepared.

Another typically NZish occurrance is Dan completely losing control over the whereabouts of his tongue. Seriously, the guy has mouth issues. Maybe he can't help thinking of the joke where a man is sitting in a bar and licking his eyebrows. However, Dan putting the tongue into the wrong areas is genuinely Kiwi.


20 February 2010

Pakistan break the chains!

And it wasn't Afridi but Rabid Razzaq (46 of 18 - lol), nicely accompanied by Fabulous Fawad (who else).

This is a sigh of relief for the Pakistanis, who went through hell for ten matches; now they know they can still pull it off, even if Nom Nom fails. Absolutely fantastic performance by the middle order, all that's left to do is:

-Kick Nazir
-Kick Sarfraz.

Really a T20 team cannot afford a WK that can't bat, especially if he also can't keep, and the openers suck big time.

I will leave it to the rest of the internet to get wet about Swann's and Shahzad's bowling, there will be 10,000 blogs doing the job better than me... and being more inclined to the English.


18 February 2010

Why Harbh is the Satan of spin bowling

He is Punter's nemesis.

He kills Morne but doesn't get struck down by lightning.

He has a goat hoof.

He makes people weep in their pants.

I smell satanicness even when it's half a world away. And Harbh smells like the devil's grandmother.

He has 666 tattooed on his forehead, hence the turban.

He couldn't tempt Hash just like he couldn't tempt Jesus in the desert.

But first and foremost:

 He impertinently admits to it:

16 February 2010

Spiderbatsman prevails!

Michael Klinger
State Player of the Year Award - 2009
State Player of the Year Award - 2010

Well done my friend.
The Redbacks would have been shot without you on innumerable occasions. It was a good move to move, eh? :D
Nuff said.

* * *

Seventoes fails again

Some of you might know that I have a little Guptill cult going on.
Whenever he achieves something I feel this weird evil joy arising inside me and my face splits into a burnsish grin and I think "Hehehe Seventoes hehehe".

But today, that was nothing.
That's 200 minus 11.
A double Twatto from the textbook.
I am embarrassed for him, his family, his team.
He is a disgrace to his country.
I have no words for this.
And let's not talk about Brendon "4 short of a Guptill" McCullum.
He should get dropped along with the entire top order.
McIntosh, Watling. I feel an old, raw, prehistoric wrath boiling whenever I see these two names written somewhere.

In fact, NZ should play completely without any openers and instead add two tailenders to the lineup. In all matches that I followed Tuffey scored about 25 times as many runs as both openers together.

Any positives so far?
Jacko took 5.

  Rubel "Thriller" Hossain earlier this year against Sri Lanka

15 February 2010

Best Pakistani captain ever!

Over here Stani asks the justified question who should be the next Pakistani captain. The choice is small, the night is dark.

I have a solution for you guys:
Pick me! :D
I offer you the best qualification you could wish for, incl. added bonuses!
  • can't bat 
  • can't field
  • no clue about field settings
  • talk lots of shit in public
  • regular brain failgrz frxzt
  • no travel restrictions
  • but willing to take drugs
  • look good enough
  • hair too long
  • will perform sajda on call (put cookie on pitch)
  • language no problem Yousuf zindabad
  • bonus 1: will screech Krishna quotes at Hindu bowlers
  • bonus 2: I can smell with my feet like Stuart Broad
Deal? B)

13 February 2010


To all those in love, married, or both,

~ Happy Valentine ~

It's also a good day to return, to apologise, to forgive,
and to remember the things we share.


11 February 2010

Ijaz Butt deserves praise!


I know, it is incredible, but wonders have not stopped happening in ancient times!

So, obviously he and Wasim Bari have been in negotiations with the USACA and agreed on a long term cooperation in terms of hosting Pakistan matches, starting with a T20 series over in the States later this year. This move will of course benefit the development of cricket in the USA but more importantly it opens up another great opportunity for Pakistan to play more international cricket of hopefully all different sorts!

Okay this was the official version

As usual, Ijaz Butt hides his true devilish motivation between the lines. Let me help you unveil it: 

Another thing Butt kept silence about: 
This agreement is obviously nowhere near the end of Pakistan's unstoppable expansion around the globe; in about two weeks we will see the headline:
2011 Pak vs Aus in Germany

I will arrange for Yousuf Our Good Mentor And Utterer Of Wise Words to give us a sermon in a prominent place, Theatre Square springs to my mind. Be there!

10 February 2010

Hooray we're going to NZ!

Now as the Australian home season is slowly but certainly -and luckily- coming to an end, we can raise our sore eyes again and look forward to the sun coming up behind the horizon in the form of Oz touring NZ for a rather longish and promising series of two Tests, five ODIs and two T20s.

This is something I look forward to enormously. The only time I've seen these two teams playing against each other was in the final of the ICC Champions Trophy, which posed a really anticlimactic experience to me as I was supporting Oz but felt dead sorry for the horribly injury-plagued Kiwis, who had limped through the tournament on a quarter of the leg.

But now things should look brighter, if NZ are able to have a dig in the treasure chest and pick the best players available; I really hope to see them at full strength. Just like Australia they managed to pull a speedy McKay out of the hat, and Dan already compared him to The Bond (ahem. *cough cough*).

I expect to see a lot of  familiar faces back and hopefully Bond will play in the short formats and manage not to kill himself in the first match. So here is a list of things I want to see from the Kiwis:

  • Bond, vertical, breathing without help
  • Southee taking five. Several times.
  • Tuffey ditto
  • Mills taking five, losing it, getting fined. Oh well he's probably still recovering.
  • Taylor scoring double, triple and quadruple centuries
  • Vettori centuries
  • Vettori Poisonhands
  • Vettori sets aggressive fields
  • McCullum centuries
  • McCullum totally ripping behind the stumps
  • Seventoes Guptill scoring runs
  • Seventoes Guptill taking wickets
  • Seventoes Guptill getting selected
  • Capable top order - no more Iqbals
  • Sunshine
  • No rain
  • Good weather
  • Cricket weather
  • No D/L
  • No crappy rock music

9 February 2010

♥ I love Oz ♥

Because they give me so much time to care about other teams. Currently there is really not a single thing about Australia worth following or looking up, not the news, not the scores, not the statements; even the line-up is back to dull, now that they have removed Smith and Tait again.

I have been accused of treachery by several people. You are not supporting Australia anymore! You are collaborating with the enemy!!!

Jeez. If your kid is at the same time the best student, the prom queen, the football captain and the school bus driver, wouldn't you think that you can pay some more attention to the kids that need getting shouted at?

For example, the kiwikid is a rather average student but at least he tries hard. Will never step out of aussiekid's shadow and thus tends to vent his frustration on the first graders, when no one is watching, literally.

The saffakid just scalped the big Indian bully in front of class, well done, applause! But he can't sing, can't draw, can't read a text. I'll have to keep shouting.

The paksiekid wouldn't even arrive at school, if I didn't chuck him on the bus every morning. He would get lost somewhere between the front door and the driveway. The report reads like this: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFuck.

The  germankid is locked up in detention for the next 1000 or so years. It makes me cry in my sleep.

So please guys, I truly appreciate Oz being that successful, I just don't have the emotional capacities to go mad about them. Will be back to full rage as soon as they start cocking things up again. In NZ maybe?

8 February 2010

Dark night, big forest, many trees, Wes lost @_@

I am fully convinced Asif deserves a fourth or so chance.
UAE are fully convinced Asif deserves to stay where the pepper grows.
Fair enough. But:


Do the UAE authorities comprehend the momentousness of their decision???

Especially as:

PCB has decided that Rana should see a hairdresser, and tasked Kamran to accompany him on this quest.

I have absolutely no idea what is going on, could somebody please be so nice and illuminate me?

Mo Aamer has been picked as a reserve, obviously he isn't yet fit again, thus Razzak will return to support Blossom in the fast bowling department, while the batting has to be provided by Umar and Funky alone, as Nom Nom Afridi will miss out on the first one. Rosy prospects my friends.

The rest will be made up of A-Teamers whose stats don't really flash me, but on the other hand, what do I know about stats. Rao pops in as a reserve.

Nevertheless I am curious to see Arafat in action, hope he's fun.

However, that was a big fat Alexander Downer.

The actual squad as it is now:
Shoaib Malik (capt), Imran Farhat, Imran Nazir, Khalid Latif, Shahid Afridi, Fawad Alam, Umar Akmal, Abdul Razzaq, Sarfraz Ahmed (wk), Yasir Arafat, Saeed Ajmal, Mohammad Talha, Wahab Riaz, Umar Gul.
Reserves: Rao Iftikhar Anjum, Aamer Sajjad, Mohammad Aamer.

7 February 2010


So I just savoured the preview of the first ODI at Cricinfo
and to my grumplement it said that seven of the Windie players were not "fit",
namely blabla, blabla, blabla and Sulieman Benn.

I was like WTF How does he dare not be fit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I will shoot him in the head


Okay so I googled at Cricinfo to find out what buttniggle he has and


Banned for 2 ODIs because of that bloody Johnson/Haddin thing 500 years ago.





6 February 2010

Flora and fauna in Melbourne

Late night whip-up of a post about the Aus - Pak T20, Wes style, not for the grumpy, over at Reverse Swing.
Thanks to MaMaMu for adding essentials such as headline, piccies and general readability ;)

If any body knows how to circumvent the 200-characters limit for the tags at blogger, I'm all ears.

4 February 2010

Achtung hier kommt Morne!


Indians, you may want to start praying!

Repeat after me:

"A furore Morkelmornis / libera nos Domine"

What? You only pray to Lalit Modi?

Well, then I can't help you.

Accept your fate like men.

Please note:
This is a satirical post. To my knowledge Morne Morkel does not sport a black mo. Also, there is no prayer that could protect you from the immense powers of Morne Morkel. Furthermore I do not claim that all Indians worship Lalit Modi. Because obviously
sri-bhagavan uvaca test cricket tat sat

3 February 2010

The blond, the fat and the hungry

The web is overflowing with comments that stir Afridi's dinner and the retardation of the blond protozoa into one pot and juxtapose them, obviously falling prey to the suggestion that these things are comparable for some reason because they happened in the same match and are shown in one video clip together.

Let's draw a line here.

The running shrinkbrain hasn't been punished hard enough. Our current finance minister sits in a wheelchair because of a shitbird like him. Latif could be in hospital or dead. Finding this incident "funny" and moaning about the life-long ban is inappropriate and thoughtless. Please guys get to reason. Security is obviously and visibly not trained well enough, it speaks for itself that Wiggum was the first to reach the attacker, while his slender colleagues were even further behind, although he could hardly get up from his knees again when they had taken the invader down. If it corresponds to the official regulations that this incident goes to the ICC I don't see a reason to ridicule this move. If it needs the interference by the ICC to employ suitable personnel then be it.

CA apologising to the PCB is laughable at best. The idiot didn't attack the PCB but Khalid Latif, and apart from that, acting would be a much better response. I do not think that an alcohol ban, as suggested by the Pakistani sports minister, is a considerable solution here, simply because drinking is a part of cricket, that's a matter of fact. Also it can't be in anyone's interest to put up huge fences like in football, to separate the zombie hordes from the players. Cricket is thinking man's sport and women bring their knitting stuff to the matches and produce socks. I have seen it during the Ashes. And look at these beautiful grounds in New Zealand for instance, where the fans are sitting right at the rope. It would be a punishment of the vast majority of wonderful cricket fans to overreact like this. What can be done is simply to be more watchful and only employ personnel that has actually passed the aptitude test, instead of turning the spectator area into a high-security prison.


On the second matter, Afridi received the maximum punishment and two matches are absolutely BITTER for the Pakistanis, as T20 is their only hope to actually win a match currently. The penalty does not only hit Afridi, but the entire team gets fredded up the backside by it. Not hard enough?

Yes it is a scandal that Broad got away but I would definitely not want to blow into the same horn as Stani for instance, who suspects racism as the reason for these double standards. First of all what race is Afridi? Half milk choc latte macchiato with a hint of cinnamon* sort of person? ;) Secondly, Broad wouldn't have got punished either if he was orange, green or purple. You obviously think that his origin means it has to be racism because in Europe there is no safarshi system, but I am sorry to destroy your illusion on this, and if you look at the FIFA for instance you will bring your lunch back up, it is like Ancient Rome :D Apart from that Afridi has a history of dumbomumbo behaviour, so this will have influenced the decision additionally. They will also want to prevent a second Barbiegate.


*The guy will be linked to food forevermore.

2 February 2010

Infidels!!!! I have a message for you!

We are many. 
We are everywhere. 
You are blind. 
You shall see. 

Thanks to cricket-online.tv for the footage.

1 February 2010

Afridi my hero!

What is this fuss about the ball tampering? I don't get it. Yes he munched the ball and tried to become the biggest goat in the history of cricket but so what? He made me laugh so hard tears were running down my face. Yes I used to think he drips arrogance from every pore, I threatened to chop his arms off should he ever dare to cross them again...

... and I called him Satan for he desecrated the Redbacks pajamas with his unholy sweat, but after this fascinating display of greedy nomming I had no choice but to welcome him in my pantheon of cricket heroes. Why does this guy get a bloody two (two!) match ban??? How can people demand that he gets "... tarred and feathered and dragged through the streets of Perth attached to the back of a donkey" (*lol*@Sid), if not for the mere sake of entertainment? This is beyond me. He should have become Man Of The Match, or at least got rewarded with a fridge, or an actual apple for that matter.

Shahid my hero!
(Let's see for how long.)

The video also contains the guy attacking Khalid Latif ,
and the fattest "security" guard in the world.

Edit, I just found this, 
a post match interview in which he claims he ate it to smell how it feels